Congratulations on studying (taking the published test on qrz.com the night before until you pass consistently) and passing your VE examination. Contained in this FCC welcome package is one copy of your official radio cop style FCC Operator's License and one stick that is to be inserted, anally, upon receipt. We at the FCC know that in order to peacefully coexist on the Amateur Radio Allocations one is best to fit in. Jamming this stick up in your ass will impart upon you all of the arrogance and feelings of self importance within 48 hours. Remove immediately if you suspect amateur operators in your area actually smoke and joke on the frequencies in use in your immediate area. Failure to do so may result in the "stick up your ass" getting kicked farther up your ass making extraction almost impossible. Of course, if you really like the stick up your ass you can take advantage of the FCC policy that allows you to hide behind a P.O. Box thus allowing you to enjoy your "stick up the ass" even among the cool guys that may be operating in your area.
Above, on this page, is a schematic of your official "stick up your ass". Please note, carefully, the labels that are placed there for your convenience. The labels are easy to understand, large font, block lettering that assures that even the most ignorant trailer park hillbilly can understand them. These labels are "A" "R" "R" and "L". For easier understanding the "R" labels will be combined to "RR" throughout this How To page for easy insertion of the ARRL designed FCC official "Stick up your ass".
Label "A" marks the Anal limiter device. This device is flanged enough to allow maximum enjoyment as you hop up and down when someone actually responds to your desperate calls from your Baofeng on the repeater yet, wide enough at the base to prevent the entire device from disappearing up your fat ham ass.
"RR" is a cutaway view of the rectal wall. Note that the ribs in the stick should rest perfectly in this area keeping our anus spread to the optimum width to allow full Amateur Radio Cop like enjoyment. Each rib is impregnated with a silver alloy that allows maximum electrical continuity to your rectal muscles should you have enough retentiveness to take full advantage of this new high tech feature that will be described in the sidebar.
"L" marks the ARRL and the FCC's joint venture in Lube Grooves. These four grooves should hold enough KY or Anal Ease to allow easy insertion for you newbies out there yet it's tapered enough to where even the most seasoned Extra can jam that fucker up there dry!
Should you start to feel as though you're not a first responder, volunteer fireman, or storm chaser it means you're building a tolerance to the "Stick up your ass" and should immediately order the next larger size from either the FCC or ARRL. We recommend the FCC brand if you don't like deleting emails offering books to you.
The FCC "Stick up your ass" has been a tradition in this hobby for many decades and walking around with this jammed up your chocolate starfish is a time honored tradition that is ARES and CERT certified. Just ask Laura Smith! She wears a double sided one daily and we all love her!
Congratulations, again, and HAM IT UP!
Implanted into every Anal Limiter Device is a Micro Quadrifilar Induction Device. A small antenna for you idiots. An S1 signal should transfer enough voltage through our patented silver infused ribs to your rectum to make you think you're a traffic guard.
An S2 to S4 Signal pumps enough voltage up your ass to make you think you're a storm chaser.
And S5 to S7 Signal pumps enough voltage up your starfish to make you think you're a Deputy Sheriff.
An S8 to S9 Signal puts you in full radio cop mode. Your job is now to patrol the bands and impress them all with your made up knowledge of Part 97 and declare Maydays at your whim.
!!! WARNING !!!
Any signal above an S9 could cause you to dress up in your wife's dress and demand everyone to address you as Ms. Smith!